The First Step

On the midwifery front, I was part of an amazing birth last night. I got to watch a fantastic doula in action and help out here and there with a little Reiki and massage during the labor at home. And then we left for the hospital. I was very skeptical of what would take place when we got there. We were greeted exactly the way I had assumed. The anxiety level went up about 8 notches when we got there. Bright lights, lots of people (5 in addition to the 4 of us) 3 offers for a heplock, lots of monitoring and I think a partridge in a pear tree. During that time, the doula was great. She stayed in the moms face and helped her tune it all out and focus her back. The feeling had changed dramatically from what it had been at the house.

And then something entirely unexpected happened. A nurse-midwife was attending the birth, and as soon as she got there things began to change. She turned the lights WAY down, took the monitors off to respect the mom's wishes for intermittent monitoring and had a nurse hold it on every other contraction. She brought the level of the room way down. She did the most amazing instruction and perineal support during crowning that my jaw literally dropped. I might even have said "Holy shit!" under my breath. The baby got to go right to mom's chest where she was left for at least an hour. It was the closest thing I have ever seen to a homebirth in the hospital. No meds, no wires, no harassing of the mom. I cried as usual and was just grateful that I got to be there and help out in whatever minuscule way I could. Births make me outrageously happy. School administrators are a whole different story....

A New Reality

Day one: Classmates started winter quarter. I did not. I went to clinic because I can't see myself anywhere else doing anything else. There is a possibility that I won't get credit for these hours, but I don't care. There are times in life when things don't go exactly as you planned, and the reason doesn't become apparent until much later. I have joked about my adventures in dating, but a life partner is something I have asked for over and over. I have also been told that starting a relationship in midwifery school and having it succeed is near impossible. I guess the saying is true, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it." Maybe one prayer has been answered at the expense of the other. Maybe one has just been delayed only to be more greatly appreciated down the road. I am still wading through the immense disappointment. I just need to have faith.

Ahhh... Nothing Better Than a New Baby

I just wanted to share the photos of my first solo newborn exam. Beautiful Avalon's parents gave me permission to post these. I love this job.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Got home last night. Greeted with a big hug accompanied by screams of "Mommy! Mommy!" There's something about being hugged so hard you almost fall over by your six year-old. Nothing like it. I spent the week worried about her, as usual. I think many of the people around me think that when I go away for the week to school that it's a mini vacation. In all honesty, they are the hardest weeks of all. I love being with such intelligent, strong women who "get" why I want to be a midwife. I am awed and inspired every time I go. Therein lies the rub. I have to leave my child every month to attend class. I have clinic and births to attend to meet requirements (but I just plain love babies in bellys). I have to study and do homework. I have to work to provide for us, and I am the lone parent. Most days I feel an obligation to be there twice as much because she is minus an active parent. Lately I'm with her half as much, and it kills me. I know that if I can just get through the rest of this school year, things will improve. Rationality isn't winning out most days.

I spent the week at school on the verge of tears, as I often do. Adding to the difficulties of an intense fear of flying often accompanied by a panic attack when there is turbulence, and missing my baby, was another emotionally draining round of counseling class. The worst part of the class is that it is so interesting and needed, but it often brings with it personal revelations that hit me out of left field. It is supposed to be counseling skills to aid our clients, but it often turns into the instructor counseling us and us counseling each other. It is emotionally exhausting. I really thought that I had worked through most of my "stuff". Apparently I was wrong. (Thanks weezie)

The new roommate moves in Sunday. He seems harmless. I'm sure that it will turn out well. Still looking for a 2nd. I will be ramping up my efforts. How I'm not quite sure.

Feeling a little blue all around, but it usually subsides after a few days with my gorgeous girl. Nothing a huge bucket of Halloween candy won't fix.

Roommates Wanted

In my latest attempt to avoid financial ruin while in school, I have decided to rent out a few rooms in my house. I just interviewed one person, and he seems like a nice, young guy working on a Master's Degree. I am still a little hesitant about letting other people into my house, especially male people (no offense), but sacrifice is my middle name. I really want my daughter to stay in her school's zone because it is a great school. I really like some of my neighbors, too. Anyone who offers to let me drop my child off in the middle of the night so I can go to a birth is good people. Not to mention the fact that I had to move during winter quarter last year and it almost did me in- literally. I don't have the strength, stamina, or time to move. So roommates it is.

On the midwifery front, I am amazed by the human body yet again. Learned a lesson at a birth. Never assume that because a woman is a grand multipara (more than 5 babies, I think) that her labor will be short. The birth could take less than a minute from push to baby, but the labor could go a good 11 hours. Just something to keep in mind.

On the dating front, I think I'm easy. Not get-in-my-pants easy, but getting smitten easy. I am really liking Deputy Don. I thought that I had scared him off while messaging on the Internet. I am rather opinionated and really like to know where people are coming from in their beliefs, so if we don't agree, it can be an intense discussion. After ending our "discussion" I wasn't sure if I'd hear from him. I sent him an email the next morning to clarify my position on the matter. This after not having gotten the usual "good morning" email from him. I didn't hear from him for two days. I had already gone through the obligatory post-screw-up self-assessment check list- "Am I too honest? Am I too confrontative? Do I expect too much? Am I just difficult with a capital D?" I was sure I wouldn't hear from him. A friend of mine gave me a pep talk-Someone out there will love my honesty and love me for that honesty, so I was feeling better.

Then he emailed me and informed me that he had worked a double shift, was sorry for the delay. All that introspection for nothing. So here is a little bit of what he said:

"You are so honest, so forthcoming...I love it. I'm so tired of the games and lies the people around me play. Saying one thing, doing another. I don't worry about that with you."

He called for the first time while I was at a long birth and he has a very nice voice. He wants to meet me. I wonder if that means he will come from the east coast for a date or two? I have to say, that would score him some big points. We have yet to actually talk, but if he is as good in person as he is on paper.........

Looooong Day

Welcome to Midwifery.
I woke up this morning still tired from this new lack-of-a-normal- sleeping- schedule thing. I woke up early because I was fortunate enough to get to watch surgeries with my fantastic Gyn preceptor. I got to see uteri (is that the plural?) and cervices from the inside out. I got to see one hysterectomy through a scope and had all the pertinent structures pointed out and had a great view. I also got to see two through vertical incisions because of the size of the uteri involved. The human body never ceases to amaze me. Eight hours has never gone quite so fast before.
The kicker- I got called to a birth the minute I walked out of the hospital. Which had me ridiculously excited and sad at the same time. There was a baby coming, but I only saw my baby girl for 30 minutes this morning before I left and she was asleep when I got home. Good news- I got to see her for 30 minutes this morning and the momma in labor was a multip so I got home to get some sleep at a semi decent hour.
It is so hard to be torn between two things you love so much. I know my momma classmates struggle with it, too. I can't imagine a significant other in the mix who needs and deserves your time as well. I miss out on the built-in babysitter, but I get off scott free from the partner guilt.

Disappointment All Around

Had a mom transfer in to the hospital tonight. First-timer with a breech and understandably she couldn't take the pain with the lack of progress. I'm disappointed that I missed another birth. Disappointed that this woman that I really liked didn't get the birth she originally wanted. Disappointed because this nice, uninsured couple will now have a ridiculous hospital bill to add to the financial stress of a new baby. A small selfish part of me is disappointed that I spent hours that don't count towards requirements because they could have been spent with my own child. I know what I have signed on for and that it is all a part of midwifery, but I am also realizing what a luxury it would be to be a single, young, childless midwifery student (who is also independently wealthy-and believe it or not I know someone who fits that bill). The irony is that if Ididn't have my daughter, I probably wouldn't be doing this. So off to bed I go to wait for baby #2 and hope the others "in the window" subconciously decide to politely take turns.