Ahhh... Nothing Better Than a New Baby

I just wanted to share the photos of my first solo newborn exam. Beautiful Avalon's parents gave me permission to post these. I love this job.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Got home last night. Greeted with a big hug accompanied by screams of "Mommy! Mommy!" There's something about being hugged so hard you almost fall over by your six year-old. Nothing like it. I spent the week worried about her, as usual. I think many of the people around me think that when I go away for the week to school that it's a mini vacation. In all honesty, they are the hardest weeks of all. I love being with such intelligent, strong women who "get" why I want to be a midwife. I am awed and inspired every time I go. Therein lies the rub. I have to leave my child every month to attend class. I have clinic and births to attend to meet requirements (but I just plain love babies in bellys). I have to study and do homework. I have to work to provide for us, and I am the lone parent. Most days I feel an obligation to be there twice as much because she is minus an active parent. Lately I'm with her half as much, and it kills me. I know that if I can just get through the rest of this school year, things will improve. Rationality isn't winning out most days.

I spent the week at school on the verge of tears, as I often do. Adding to the difficulties of an intense fear of flying often accompanied by a panic attack when there is turbulence, and missing my baby, was another emotionally draining round of counseling class. The worst part of the class is that it is so interesting and needed, but it often brings with it personal revelations that hit me out of left field. It is supposed to be counseling skills to aid our clients, but it often turns into the instructor counseling us and us counseling each other. It is emotionally exhausting. I really thought that I had worked through most of my "stuff". Apparently I was wrong. (Thanks weezie)

The new roommate moves in Sunday. He seems harmless. I'm sure that it will turn out well. Still looking for a 2nd. I will be ramping up my efforts. How I'm not quite sure.

Feeling a little blue all around, but it usually subsides after a few days with my gorgeous girl. Nothing a huge bucket of Halloween candy won't fix.

Roommates Wanted

In my latest attempt to avoid financial ruin while in school, I have decided to rent out a few rooms in my house. I just interviewed one person, and he seems like a nice, young guy working on a Master's Degree. I am still a little hesitant about letting other people into my house, especially male people (no offense), but sacrifice is my middle name. I really want my daughter to stay in her school's zone because it is a great school. I really like some of my neighbors, too. Anyone who offers to let me drop my child off in the middle of the night so I can go to a birth is good people. Not to mention the fact that I had to move during winter quarter last year and it almost did me in- literally. I don't have the strength, stamina, or time to move. So roommates it is.

On the midwifery front, I am amazed by the human body yet again. Learned a lesson at a birth. Never assume that because a woman is a grand multipara (more than 5 babies, I think) that her labor will be short. The birth could take less than a minute from push to baby, but the labor could go a good 11 hours. Just something to keep in mind.

On the dating front, I think I'm easy. Not get-in-my-pants easy, but getting smitten easy. I am really liking Deputy Don. I thought that I had scared him off while messaging on the Internet. I am rather opinionated and really like to know where people are coming from in their beliefs, so if we don't agree, it can be an intense discussion. After ending our "discussion" I wasn't sure if I'd hear from him. I sent him an email the next morning to clarify my position on the matter. This after not having gotten the usual "good morning" email from him. I didn't hear from him for two days. I had already gone through the obligatory post-screw-up self-assessment check list- "Am I too honest? Am I too confrontative? Do I expect too much? Am I just difficult with a capital D?" I was sure I wouldn't hear from him. A friend of mine gave me a pep talk-Someone out there will love my honesty and love me for that honesty, so I was feeling better.

Then he emailed me and informed me that he had worked a double shift, was sorry for the delay. All that introspection for nothing. So here is a little bit of what he said:

"You are so honest, so forthcoming...I love it. I'm so tired of the games and lies the people around me play. Saying one thing, doing another. I don't worry about that with you."

He called for the first time while I was at a long birth and he has a very nice voice. He wants to meet me. I wonder if that means he will come from the east coast for a date or two? I have to say, that would score him some big points. We have yet to actually talk, but if he is as good in person as he is on paper.........

Looooong Day

Welcome to Midwifery.
I woke up this morning still tired from this new lack-of-a-normal- sleeping- schedule thing. I woke up early because I was fortunate enough to get to watch surgeries with my fantastic Gyn preceptor. I got to see uteri (is that the plural?) and cervices from the inside out. I got to see one hysterectomy through a scope and had all the pertinent structures pointed out and had a great view. I also got to see two through vertical incisions because of the size of the uteri involved. The human body never ceases to amaze me. Eight hours has never gone quite so fast before.
The kicker- I got called to a birth the minute I walked out of the hospital. Which had me ridiculously excited and sad at the same time. There was a baby coming, but I only saw my baby girl for 30 minutes this morning before I left and she was asleep when I got home. Good news- I got to see her for 30 minutes this morning and the momma in labor was a multip so I got home to get some sleep at a semi decent hour.
It is so hard to be torn between two things you love so much. I know my momma classmates struggle with it, too. I can't imagine a significant other in the mix who needs and deserves your time as well. I miss out on the built-in babysitter, but I get off scott free from the partner guilt.

Disappointment All Around

Had a mom transfer in to the hospital tonight. First-timer with a breech and understandably she couldn't take the pain with the lack of progress. I'm disappointed that I missed another birth. Disappointed that this woman that I really liked didn't get the birth she originally wanted. Disappointed because this nice, uninsured couple will now have a ridiculous hospital bill to add to the financial stress of a new baby. A small selfish part of me is disappointed that I spent hours that don't count towards requirements because they could have been spent with my own child. I know what I have signed on for and that it is all a part of midwifery, but I am also realizing what a luxury it would be to be a single, young, childless midwifery student (who is also independently wealthy-and believe it or not I know someone who fits that bill). The irony is that if Ididn't have my daughter, I probably wouldn't be doing this. So off to bed I go to wait for baby #2 and hope the others "in the window" subconciously decide to politely take turns.

Reiki

I just wanted to share what seems to be a success in the world of infertility. I once read that 75% of infertility is due to stress and stress related disorders. With this in mind my business partner and I did a couple of our "Signature Massages" that combine Reiki and massage at the same time on one of our clients battling infertility. She has been trying for many years and is being threatened by the ticking clock. We were ecstatic to find out that her last round of IVF was successful. I am hoping that the positive thoughts of others will help bring her baby into this world, so please keep them in your thoughts.

I realize that this is one case, but the effects of Reiki are so profound and far reaching that if you haven't ever had Reiki, go get some. It calms your sympathetic nervous system and takes you from"fight-or-flight" to "rest-and-digest". Your mind can't function and neither can your body when you are constantly stressed and trying to survive. Our society is built around stress and how much or how quickly we can accomplish things. We worry constantly. We are almost constantly releasing cortisol that perpetuates the stressed state. I liken Reiki to Prozac without the sexual side effects. You enter the session with a "full plate of life". You leave with that same full plate, but with an ability to rearrange it and prioritize it. You feel centered, grounded and relaxed, able to deal with almost anything.

Reiki's effects in childbirth are even more phenomenal. Fear or anger brings the body into fight-or-flight which stops the laboring woman from having her baby. It is a protective mechanism that ensures the survival of the species. The body can't discriminate between fear of birth and fear of being killed by a predator. Birth requires safety (real or imagined) and the ability to go into the parasympathetic side of the nervous system. Reiki does that.

An OB/Gyn named Jeri Mills wrote a book called "Tapestry of Healing" on her use of Reiki in labor. www.tapestryofhealing.com/reiki.htm If you skip to the second half of the book, it details how Reiki helps with pain control during labor. Some women are able to sleep through most of their labor while receiving Reiki. It's amazing stuff. Just know that if the description sounds woo-woo, there is a better explanation. If you have bad results or no results from a treatment, find another practitioner. If they can't explain to some extent how or why it works, then they just haven't looked. There is plenty of research. Although more really good research is always needed.

Just something to think about, maybe another tool in the toolbag.

Angry Naked guy at Burnt Man

There are no pictures of anyone other than those from our camp because there is a rule "What happens at Burning Man stays at Burning Man." For this reason it is against the rules to take pictures of anyone without first asking their permission. Although there were pictures taken of me at one point without permission, and I am waiting for them to turn up.

Day one:

Before we even arrive we see news reports that some idiot set off fireworks and burnt the man. It was 85% damaged and had to be rebuilt in 5 days basically from scratch. His mug shot is hilarious. He seems very proud of himself. $26,000 worth of bail later, he was back at Burning Man.

(Photo: Pershing County Sheriffs office)

We search for our campsite and the friends we are meeting. Almost everyone at Burning Man rides a bike because of the vast expanse that this event covers. At last count there were 45,000 people there. As we are walking the roads in prickling heat (the kind that stings your skin it is so intense) we are still new to the nakedness. The boys put on their sunglasses-so as not to be rude as they stare at all the bare breasts. It is easier for me because boobs don't phase me (thanks to all the breast exams at school) and penises are low enough that I can just look straight ahead. But the one thing I can't seem to get over is male naked bike riding. It does not look comfortable in the least.

We eventually find our camp and settle in to our comfy trailer.

If you look on the top of the trailer in the distance, you can barely make out the figures of five extremely hot guys, one in underwear. This was the view from our trailer- now that's what I'm talking about. The only down side is that there were never any women at their camp. Hmmmm.....

I couldn't help but try to blow it up.

We go out to explore the playa, look at the art cars and visit center tent. After a very interesting afternoon of watching breast painting, strangely erotic dancing, and really cool costumed people on stilts, we headed back to camp. On the way we met angry naked guy. Another first for me.

He charged out of center tent muttering something about someone being a bitch and being too good for him. It appeared to be a joke, because there are no angry people at Burning Man. Everyone is nice, complimentary, and giving (in so many ways). But as I laugh at him he becomes very agitated and focuses on my friend. He tells her she is a bitch and should "go back to bitchola" which is apparently a place where bitches live. I couldn't help but laugh really loud. Bad idea. One of the boys cut him off as he charged my friend. He stopped short and just put his face right up to the side of our boy's face and said "I'm gonna look at you." The really ironic thing is that, little did he know, his nakedness saved him. He was obviously very chemically altered and our boy is not one to allow strange men to charge his friends. Our boy later said "I just couldn't bring myself to throw down with a naked guy." I have to agree.

My 1st Musing from The Man

So, it's the recap everyone has been waiting for. I wasn't quite sure how to approach this entry because it's a little schizophrenic. It had some amazingly fun elements, profoundly life changing moments, and some eerily strange happenings. It is such an all encompassing experience, where to begin, where to begin? I think I will share the experience in pieces and add pictures as they become available.

It started the minute we drove up. I thought I could ease in to the experience given my modest leanings, but NO. I arrived on "Naked Greeter Day"! As we drove up it began to dawn on me that the nice man handing out maps and searching your car for stow aways was entirely nude except for his hiking boots and sunglasses. I'm not sure if any of you have had a friendly nonchalant conversation with a completely nude stranger, but surreal doesn't quite cover it. Surreal covers one of my classmates publicly removing a cervical cap we had just fitted her with as we all yelled our best tips for removal. Strangers are another story.

So I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the line I'm in to get to one with a clothed greeter, and my friend (who is amused beyond belief at this point) says "Sweetie, they're all naked." I manage to quell my panic attack by thinking "For God's sake it's only a penis. You have seen one before." I pull up and our very personable greeter hands us our map and activity book, gives us some good advice about survival and then asks if this is our first time to Burning Man. This is an important question. It is important because if someone rats you out as a first-timer you will be made fun of publicly. I was ratted out, so I ratted out the friends in the car behind us.Public humiliation is best done with friends. I was forced to get out of the car with the friendly naked man and my two friends, all the while looking strategically from naked man's neck up. The boys were forced to roll around in the dirt (I declined this portion) and then we had to yell at the top of our lungs "I'm not a Fucking virgin anymore!" and then ring a bell by hitting it with a bat. Don't try to do it quietly because you will be forced to do it over and over until you scream it.

Let the games begin.

Baby Girl

I'm stunned. Touched by the loss of a baby. It leaves you pondering the meaning of life, why bad things happen to good people, and whether or not the length of our lives is predestined before we ever get here. I knew that this career choice would bring with it immeasurable joy and happiness. I also knew that it would bring the exact opposite as well. I held this baby, looked into her eyes and became attached. She was beautiful. I Reiki'd her for almost a half an hour thanks to lovely hour long midwifery visits. If one death is this hard, can I handle more? I come off as being pretty tough and unaffected, but underneath it all, I am a big softy. This was a hard one to take. Makes me even more thankful for all that I have been given. I've hugged my daughter tighter, kissed her even more, and treasured the time we've spent more than ever. Thanks for the gift baby girl- you'll be on my mind.

Another Milestone

I am eternally grateful. I was able to be present for another of my daughter's important moments. I am pleased to announce that I am the proud parent of a two-wheel rider. The training wheels are a thing of the past. There is such joy when you see your child careening down the neighborhood street, barely missing parked cars and crashing into curbs. It is a right-of-passage.

I ran beside her and I let go. It's the beginning of a long process that will end when she leaves me as a well-adjusted (hopefully), independent woman. I am immensely proud today, as I am sure I will be when she leaves my house for good. Sad, but proud. You make choices and sacrifices to create this, but when it actually happens it's bittersweet. It's nice to be needed. It's even nicer not to be needed. I think it means I'm doing my job.

11 days 'til Burning Man

I tried to get out of going, but I have failed. I am excited, but apprehensive. This will be way outside my box. I am going to a place where nudity is so commonplace that you forget to notice. A year ago I couldn't even say the word vagina out loud. Thanks to my midwifery classmates saying vagina is no longer a problem, and I am even comfortable with clitoris (the much more embarrassing cousin of vagina). I doubt I will be meandering around the desert naked, but I didn't think I would be looking forward to doing vaginal exams and commenting on the beauty of cervices (is that the plural of cervix?) either. So I go with an open mind. My last "trip" before I am on-call full-time. Four days away from my girl (sigh*). My friend thinks this will be a life changing event for me, in the deepest, most spiritual sense. It will be the culmination of a year of intense personal, emotional, spiritual and professional growth. Here's to the new me.

A Day at the Beach

Spent one of my last days before having to go "on call" at the beach. All in all a good day.

I hope during my senior year of midwifery school when I am attending eleven births a month and I haven't seen her in days that she remembers that I love her more than anything. I have tried to create lasting memories for her to fall back on when my work becomes hard for her, when I am away for long periods. I hope that I've done a good job.

Success!!

Did my first "real" blood draw and struck gold on the first try. Thanks to all my classmates that allowed me to use them as pincushions. My hands were only a little shaky and the mama was a great sport. She knew it was my first try and let me go at it. There is something so satisfying about being able to take blood, can't exactly put my finger on it. The best part is that my daughter got to watch from the doorway. She was impressed. That's my girl.

Grateful

She is by far the greatest thing I have ever done. I am amazed every day at this small person that I helped to create. She was created and nurtured in my body.

She is wicked smart.

Perceptive.

Funny.

Forgiving.

Loving.

Affectionate.

Charismatic.

Outgoing.

Independent.

Loved more than she knows.

There is nothing more all consuming than the love you feel when you look at your child. It is a love I never thought possible. It is a love that has transformed who I am and who I want to be. I am better for loving her, and valuing her life has led me to value my own.

Was called "midwife" for the first time, by a two year old- almost made me cry. I'm not worthy, but honored beyond belief.

Life is good.

The Single Life

I have decided that Iam going to attempt to take this blogging thing more seriously. From what I understand not updating on a very regular basis is REALLY annoying, not that anyone reads this, but they may someday. I have sat and thought about the really great blogs of my friends and colleagues, and I have come to the realization that I have nothing to add to their absolutely brilliant thoughts and musings about midwifery. My relationship with midwifery is in it's infancy (pun intended) and I don't want to rob the profession of it's dignity with my forced attempts at coherency, if that's even a word. Where I think my rightful place will be in this journey is to share the day-to-day life of a single mother who also happens to be a midwifery student. Believe me, it's hilarious. At least that is what I keep telling myself when I am seconds away from voluntarily committing myself so that I can have just a few minutes to rest. Add to this the fact that I am soon to be 37 and never married, well you get the picture. The only other single mother in my midwifery class dropped out. That fact is not lost on me, and most days I think of joining her cause this shit is hard. Harder than anything I have ever done before. And at my age to try and date during all of this...... hilarity should ensue.

Baa

I have officially earned the title of black sheep of the family. Usually it takes committing a crime, acquiring a drug habit, or some other offensive act to land yourself in the land of the black sheep, but unbeknownst to me, there seems to be another way--- Midwifery. For most people that may not seem like much, but my stepmother is a nurse and my sister-in-law is a nurse-practitioner for the area's leading cardiothoracic surgeon (about as medical as you can get). I underestimated the effect my announcement of midwifery school would have. I didn't realize that it would be taken as an affront to the chosen professions of my family members. I found out on Mother's Day that I have been forced into a "soft banishment". The women of the family all went out to celebrate the day together, and I was spirited away by my father under the guise of lunch with my daughter. My dad, being the slightly clueless, quickly aging male that he is, let the cat out of the bag without ever really realizing it. I have always flirted with black sheep status, what with my interracial dating (my most serious offense to date), massage school, and my choice of male roommates in college, but I never would have guessed that midwifery would be the nail in the coffin. I guess I shouldn't be offended.

Midwifery Cliff

Ahhhh....Midwifery. Yeah I chose it. No, actually, it chose me- in a way that I can't fight or deny. It has worked its way into my life in a way I'll never be able to remove. I am realizing that I was born to be a midwife. I now know that every experience in my life has led me to this place(extremely cheesy, but true). The scary part is that this dream I have may end up denying me the other dreams I still have. I want a child so badly some days that it consumes me. I would like to actually meet a male that might make that happen, but student midwives have no social life. I tried it once. It didn't work out well. Add single working mother to the midwifery student mix and you have a recipe for social disaster. Not the hottest descriptors. Sometimes I look at all I might be giving up, and I hope that this doesn't turn out to be an all-or- nothing proposition. During my Winter quarter I had moments where I tried to decide not to be a midwife. Looking back I see that was like trying to decide not to be a woman- technically possible but it would take a lot of work, denial and medication to make it happen. I realize that this journey is akin to hurling myself off a cliff, even after I saw the dangerous drop coming. There are only two ways this will turn out. I can crash to my death (mostly social, some emotional), or by some miracle I will walk away an extremely happy fulfilled woman and midwife. Fasten your seatbelts.