Friday, November 2, 2007

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Got home last night. Greeted with a big hug accompanied by screams of "Mommy! Mommy!" There's something about being hugged so hard you almost fall over by your six year-old. Nothing like it. I spent the week worried about her, as usual. I think many of the people around me think that when I go away for the week to school that it's a mini vacation. In all honesty, they are the hardest weeks of all. I love being with such intelligent, strong women who "get" why I want to be a midwife. I am awed and inspired every time I go. Therein lies the rub. I have to leave my child every month to attend class. I have clinic and births to attend to meet requirements (but I just plain love babies in bellys). I have to study and do homework. I have to work to provide for us, and I am the lone parent. Most days I feel an obligation to be there twice as much because she is minus an active parent. Lately I'm with her half as much, and it kills me. I know that if I can just get through the rest of this school year, things will improve. Rationality isn't winning out most days.
I spent the week at school on the verge of tears, as I often do. Adding to the difficulties of an intense fear of flying often accompanied by a panic attack when there is turbulence, and missing my baby, was another emotionally draining round of counseling class. The worst part of the class is that it is so interesting and needed, but it often brings with it personal revelations that hit me out of left field. It is supposed to be counseling skills to aid our clients, but it often turns into the instructor counseling us and us counseling each other. It is emotionally exhausting. I really thought that I had worked through most of my "stuff". Apparently I was wrong. (Thanks weezie)

The new roommate moves in Sunday. He seems harmless. I'm sure that it will turn out well. Still looking for a 2nd. I will be ramping up my efforts. How I'm not quite sure.

Feeling a little blue all around, but it usually subsides after a few days with my gorgeous girl. Nothing a huge bucket of Halloween candy won't fix.