Baby Girl

I'm stunned. Touched by the loss of a baby. It leaves you pondering the meaning of life, why bad things happen to good people, and whether or not the length of our lives is predestined before we ever get here. I knew that this career choice would bring with it immeasurable joy and happiness. I also knew that it would bring the exact opposite as well. I held this baby, looked into her eyes and became attached. She was beautiful. I Reiki'd her for almost a half an hour thanks to lovely hour long midwifery visits. If one death is this hard, can I handle more? I come off as being pretty tough and unaffected, but underneath it all, I am a big softy. This was a hard one to take. Makes me even more thankful for all that I have been given. I've hugged my daughter tighter, kissed her even more, and treasured the time we've spent more than ever. Thanks for the gift baby girl- you'll be on my mind.

Another Milestone

I am eternally grateful. I was able to be present for another of my daughter's important moments. I am pleased to announce that I am the proud parent of a two-wheel rider. The training wheels are a thing of the past. There is such joy when you see your child careening down the neighborhood street, barely missing parked cars and crashing into curbs. It is a right-of-passage.

I ran beside her and I let go. It's the beginning of a long process that will end when she leaves me as a well-adjusted (hopefully), independent woman. I am immensely proud today, as I am sure I will be when she leaves my house for good. Sad, but proud. You make choices and sacrifices to create this, but when it actually happens it's bittersweet. It's nice to be needed. It's even nicer not to be needed. I think it means I'm doing my job.

11 days 'til Burning Man

I tried to get out of going, but I have failed. I am excited, but apprehensive. This will be way outside my box. I am going to a place where nudity is so commonplace that you forget to notice. A year ago I couldn't even say the word vagina out loud. Thanks to my midwifery classmates saying vagina is no longer a problem, and I am even comfortable with clitoris (the much more embarrassing cousin of vagina). I doubt I will be meandering around the desert naked, but I didn't think I would be looking forward to doing vaginal exams and commenting on the beauty of cervices (is that the plural of cervix?) either. So I go with an open mind. My last "trip" before I am on-call full-time. Four days away from my girl (sigh*). My friend thinks this will be a life changing event for me, in the deepest, most spiritual sense. It will be the culmination of a year of intense personal, emotional, spiritual and professional growth. Here's to the new me.

A Day at the Beach

Spent one of my last days before having to go "on call" at the beach. All in all a good day.

I hope during my senior year of midwifery school when I am attending eleven births a month and I haven't seen her in days that she remembers that I love her more than anything. I have tried to create lasting memories for her to fall back on when my work becomes hard for her, when I am away for long periods. I hope that I've done a good job.

Success!!

Did my first "real" blood draw and struck gold on the first try. Thanks to all my classmates that allowed me to use them as pincushions. My hands were only a little shaky and the mama was a great sport. She knew it was my first try and let me go at it. There is something so satisfying about being able to take blood, can't exactly put my finger on it. The best part is that my daughter got to watch from the doorway. She was impressed. That's my girl.

Grateful

She is by far the greatest thing I have ever done. I am amazed every day at this small person that I helped to create. She was created and nurtured in my body.

She is wicked smart.

Perceptive.

Funny.

Forgiving.

Loving.

Affectionate.

Charismatic.

Outgoing.

Independent.

Loved more than she knows.

There is nothing more all consuming than the love you feel when you look at your child. It is a love I never thought possible. It is a love that has transformed who I am and who I want to be. I am better for loving her, and valuing her life has led me to value my own.

Was called "midwife" for the first time, by a two year old- almost made me cry. I'm not worthy, but honored beyond belief.

Life is good.